Truths about who I am...Cheap therapy!

Ok...Randomly I'm going to share little thoughts about the way I look at life. Scary, I know! I'm not much for sharing "feelings" or really getting too personal with too many people so this is going to be a definite challenge. Although reading these so-called "thoughts" may convince you I need a good dose of therapy, the "Nicole" you thought you knew will probably be lurking inside somewhere.

Let me start by pointing out a few known facts that belong in the world of Nicole:

1. Chocolate and a 44 oz cup of Diet Coke can solve any problem.
2. When you get rid of all the fluff you realize most people just want to feel validated and understood.
3. The world is full of good people doing good things without anybody knowing it.
4. When you know better you do better.
5. It's impossible to do something nice for someone (with a genuine heart) and feel bad about it later.
6. What goes around comes around!
7. There is no reality...Only perception

I could add and add and add to that list but the blogger police would probably come and take my computer away for taking up so much space. At the ripe 'ole age of 37 I'm only beginning to somewhat understand myself. I've sailed through life with lots more good times than bad but have never really been at peace with myself. I can't really pin it down to 1 particular thing. I know I'm a little insecure at times, sometimes a little bold and opinionated, goofy, moody, and all sorts of other stuff all wrapped into 1.

This will probably end up sounding like a bunch of babbling rigamaro but who cares? You can always stop reading if you fall asleep.

In my mind, I've never really believed that anybody "gets" me. When I got to thinking about the "why's"---I had a very big "lightbulb" moment. After much deep thought I came to this conclusion: I am a pleaser...Always have been. It was important to me growing up to be "liked" by everyone. I spent years and years and years sacrificing time, freedom, self-esteem, money, you name it. The hardest life lesson I've learned so far is that you can never be anything to anybody unless you're true to yourself. I've always been insecure about my weight and have always felt that, in order for people to like me, I had to go to the ends of the earth to be a good friend, wife, sister, daughter, whatever. Somewhere in there I lost ME. I have since realized that those who matter don't care about what size I was and never did. I have also realized that what I've viewed as "weight discrimination" was my own perception about myself, not reality.

I don't know what has changed in my life. Actually, I do. Dylan is the reason I refuse to live in chaos and insecurity. Being a mom has changed me, moreso over the last year for some reason. I'm at peace with myself. "Normal" to both me and Dyl is the family we have. It may not be "traditional" but it's perfect for us. I realize how lucky I am that I have a good job. Qwest has been extremely good to me and, unlike many single moms struggling to survive, I am only required to work 1 full-time job instead of 3. I'm so proud of Dylan's strength and abilities and I love him more than I have ever loved a human being in my entire life.

No apologies to anyone for who I am. Apologies for the many mistakes I make, as they are many. Friends have come and gone and I treasure those who have stuck around. I no longer have tons of friends, but the friends I do have, both young and old, are amazing to me. They remind me I don't have to be anything except what I already am.

My extended family dynamics has also changed over the past year or so. After a few years of drama and conflict, I've decided to take a step back and excluded myself from participating in all the childish games. My Mom and Dad are wonderful grandparents to Dylan and he loves and adores both of them. They make an effort to attend important milestones in Dylan's life and I appreciate that. We have some amazing, beautiful children in our family and I want to be someone they can all look up to and come to if they need anything. I don't really feel the closeness to all of my siblings as I'd like, but times are good when we get together. FINALLY a little bit 'o comfort...Dylan deserves it and I'm committed to it...

Peace and love and everything fabulous to all those cheering us on. Gratitude for those little acts of kindness sent our way: Always appreciated, even when we don't know who you are. Many thanks to positive role models and the teachings of respectability and honor in Dylan's behalf. Loves, Nic